1– You are warding against infection with a strict regimen of hand sanitizer, Clorox wipes and prayer that the remaining 0.1% of germs does not come for you.
Miscellaneous: You will chicken out of asking someone on your wing’s PAD. Instead, your friend will set you up. It will go okay and the two of you will leave as “just friends.”
2– When that person on your floor started projectile vomiting, you were the only person who stayed with them. Unfortunately, you are now also projectile vomiting but you are doing so with the satisfaction of having helped someone else, and that is so worth it to you.
Miscellaneous: Your plant will die this month, sending you into a full spiral where you will question your worth as a caregiver. Try therapy or buying a new plant and seeing if anyone notices.
3– You have been tracking your healing progress with predetermined benchmarks you have to achieve every day. Unfortunately, healing doesn’t really work like that … But that will not stop you from trying.
Miscellaneous: You will be asked to join in an activity you have never participated in before and will spend way too long researching this activity and coming up with a strategy to win. When people are astonished at your greatness you will shrug and modestly reply, “Beginner’s luck, I guess?”
4– You have been snoring with a vengeance for a week now and your roommate has tried everything but the truth to get it to stop. They know you cannot handle that kind of criticism, so instead you have been waking up to the sensation of being poked in the knee only to find your roommate totally still with their eyes closed. Weird, huh?
Miscellaneous: You will see a random word and take it as a sign for whatever existential question you are grappling with at the moment. Is it actually? Who can know?
5– The upside of contracting the flu? Time to catch up on all of those documentaries you have been looking at on your watchlist. The downside? There will be no one to share those facts with when you are all alone in your dorm.
Miscellaneous: You will be roped in to driving to Muncie twice in the next two weeks. Secretly, you will consider asking your passengers to Venmo you some gas money but you do not want to be that guy.
6– You just know that you are going to get sick. You always get these things when they go around the school. Why is it always you?
Miscellaneous: You will find five dollars on the ground. Your first response will be, “Yeah baby! Five bucks!” Your second response will be, “Did this come from a sick person?” It did. And that is how the flu got you.
7– This flu season you have been busy sending good vibes to all the miserable sick people in your classes. To increase vibe productivity, try staring intently while thinking about otters holding hands.
Miscellaneous: You will pick up a tea habit this month and then move on to coffee only to realize you are really more of a Dr. Pepper kind of person.
8– Sickness is weakness and you are not weak. That means you will still go to class, letting rip a cacophonous inhale through the nose every once in awhile to let everyone know that you are not messing around. You are definitely drinking the peppermint tea your significant other made you, but all the world sees is your basic water bottle.
Miscellaneous: You will burn at least three bridges in the next two weeks with poorly-placed sarcasm.
9– Staying in? Watching “New Girl” for the seventh time all the way through? Eating all the snacks you want without feeling guilty about it? This flu thing does not seem so bad. If only you felt a little better so you could enjoy it more.
Miscellaneous: You will be asked on two PADs that are happening at the same time and have to choose between them. This is your worst nightmare.