By Alyssa Roat | Contributor
The sounds of screams, yelling and thudding feet echo down the hallway. You ease your door shut, heart pounding, hoping they won't come for you.No, this isn't a scene from a horror movie. It's everyday life in the dorms.College is a scary place. Deadlines loom like the Grim Reaper, ready to decapitate your GPA. Your shelf full of books threatens to topple on you, your heavy backpack threatens to drag you to the ground and pin you there. Words on a screen swim in front of your eyes, trying to drown you. But, there is one horror even greater: peer distraction. Students are desperate to escape one another, to find a safe place to study and conquer the deadly homework. But like zombies or the plague. . . . They're everywhere. Fear not! The Taylor Survival Guide has the tips you need to survive the hordes and conquer Dark Lord Homework. Below, we outline seven methods to help you win.
1. The Dragon MethodLibrary study rooms are a great place to hide, but they are hard to get. Those who achieve these coveted rooms guard them as dragons guard their treasure. If you have the good fortune to obtain one, bring supplies (chamber pots discouraged) and don't move until all your homework is done, or a rival may take your fortress.
2. The Nocturnal MethodIf a study room cannot be obtained, become nocturnal. Do homework at night, when all is quiet, and sleep during the loud, busy day. Our expert and doctor of procrastinology, Les Gerig resident freshman Stephen Dagher, attests this method results in quickly completed homework if performed at three in the morning.
3. The Barricade MethodSometimes, the dread trials of class prevent you from sleeping all day, so you must sleep at night and do homework in daylight. This is the time to employ the Barricade Method. For many, a closed door is not enough to deter the hordes in the dorm. This is what heavy dorm furniture is for. Stack your bed, dresser and desk in front of the door. Use duct tape if necessary. Now you can do homework in peace.
4. The Squirt Bottle MethodAlas! Your roommate is now barricaded in the room with you, and she (or he) is very loud. She wants to talk about her day and show you her new socks and perhaps sing obnoxious songs. Take heart! Humans are like cats. Pull out your trusty squirt bottle and discipline your roommate every time he/she makes noise. Some roommates may be harder to train and require Super Soakers.
5. The Hobbit Hole MethodYour roommate disapproves of your barricade, so you must find another option. Luckily, it's hard to hear anyone underground. Using your expert digging skills, create a concealed hobbit burrow in the Taylor Wilderness and scribble furiously in dank, loamy solitude. (Note: Don't actually do this. You'll probably have a cave in, and get in trouble as well.)
6. The Skunk MethodIf all else fails, you have one more method available to you. DO NOT shower under any circumstances. Wear the same clothes every day, and do NOT wash them. Work out or do something else that makes you extremely sweaty. If necessary, roll in questionable substances. Avoid brushing your teeth at all costs and eat a lot of garlic. You are now guaranteed solitude wherever it pleases you to go. (Side effects may include a decrease in social life and an absence of dates for pick-a-dates.)
7. Bonus: The Second Dragon MethodJust to be on the safe side, you can also hire an actual dragon to eat anyone who bothers you.Do these things, and you are sure to get your homework done, avoid distraction, and rescue your GPA from the scythe of the Grim Reaper. Go forth and conquer!(The Echo and Taylor Survival Guide are not liable for any loss of social life, angry roommates, crushing due to falling furniture, conquest by Dark Lord Homework or casualties due to independently contracted dragons. Taylor Survival Guide makes no guarantees for any of the statements above.)