Waving back at someone who definitely was not waving at you. Stumbling over your coffee order even though you practiced it in your head a million times before getting to the front of line. And the dreaded unzipped backpack, open for all to see on the whole walk from your dorm to Reade.
How embarrassing!
Or is it?
Why have we come to be crippled by such harmless things? Most people can look at something deemed "embarrassing" – whether it be a word blunder, your middle school side bangs or a niche interest – and reasonably conclude that these things in themselves are not all that repulsive.
Nonetheless, these things send us into visceral reactions daily. And while embarrassment is a feeling that has been around for a while, it now plays a leading role in today’s culture. Embarrassment and self-deprecating jokes are ingrained in modern humor and in our perceptions of ourselves and others.
A prime example: the term “cringe culture,” which involves the ridicule of people and behaviors that are perceived as “cringy.”
What’s behind this?
The answer is somewhat simple; we are humans. We want to fit in and so we worry about what others think of us.
“As humans, we innately want to belong, and I think part of that is shifting parts of our identity, or the things that we like, or the activities that we like doing to fit the perceived larger whole of the community,” said Kelli Cummings, assistant professor of English and director of the Writing Center.
This overwhelming desire to be accepted may stem from a lack of security in our own identity, said Laura Gerig, department chair and associate professor of psychology. This may lead us to look to other people’s approval to fill us up.
Despite having this tendency, and despite living in a world that perpetuates hyper self-awareness and insecurity — we do not have to succumb, and we shouldn’t succumb.
When Phil Collins, professor of Christian ministries and director of the Center for Scripture Engagement, was in high school, he encountered a saying: “Know yourself. Be yourself. Forget yourself.”
It is important to know ourselves and be ourselves. Especially for the Christian, self-examination is important. Additionally, God made us the way we are, and that is who we should strive to be, Collins said.
At the end of the day, however, we need to forget ourselves, he said.
“You kind of need to know yourself, be yourself, but then it's not really about yourself,” Collins said. “It's deeper than that. I'm a creature of God, and I am God’s. And so it's not really about me.”
Ironically, he said, the more we forget ourselves and focus on belonging to God, the more we can really be ourselves. The more we try to make it all about us, the more things tend to fall apart.
Additionally, hyper self-awareness and constant embarrassment is not congruent with a Christian framework that tells us to focus on loving God and others, Cummings said.
When our thoughts and energy are oriented towards loving God and others, there is not much room for these insecurities.
Collins explained how he is rarely ever embarrassed in front of his young grandchildren simply because he’s too focused on loving them.
“I make funny faces at them and whatever, and I'm not trying to protect my own self,” he said. “I'm trying to give them joy. So if I'm loving the other person and I make a mistake, it doesn't really matter. It matters if I'm bringing that person joy. Love kind of messes with embarrassment.”
Did Jesus get in embarrassing situations? Maybe, Collins said. But Jesus was also so in love with the people around him that it was hard to be plagued by self-consciousness.
The key, therefore, is to forget ourselves. Is it that easy, though?
It is hard to tell ourselves to stop thinking about something and assume that will work. Rather, we need to identify those thoughts and replace them with something else, Gerig said.
“So maybe it's the idea of not just saying, ‘I don't want to think about myself,’ but ‘What do I want to try to think instead?’” she said.
This may look like forming thoughts about how to serve other people, she said. Or it may look like simply focusing on the character of God.
For Collins, dwelling on who God is has always been the most effective means towards self-forgetfulness.
“The more I focus in on God, the more I find him delightful, the more I meet him in Scripture and learn about who he is — it just captures my attention,” he said. “My attention is there, so it's not on myself, and that works better than anything else for me.”
Conclusion: love others, love God. Think about others, think about God. Know yourself and be yourself, but then forget yourself.
You never know. One day you may mispronounce that word or trip over that sidewalk crack and not feel an ounce of embarrassment.
