By Alyssa Roat | Echo
At the Taylor Survival Guide, we know you have lots of questions. Thus, this week, we will attempt to answer them!
Q: What should I do when I wake up too late to shower before class?
A: This is simple! You always have time to shower, or at least, to bathe. Jump in one of the many bodies of water around Taylor on your way to class. You're set!
Q: What should I do if I like someone?
A: You should ask them on a pick-a-date. All pick-a-dates end in marriage. If you are too scared to ask, you can always hit the person with a tolf ball, or dive in front of one yourself.
Q: Last time I followed the Survival Guide's advice, I got arrested. Why did you give such bad advice?
A: We don't give bad advice. You're just bad at not getting caught.
Q: I forgot about an assignment until I got to class. What now?
A: Text a friend. They need to run into your class and scream, "(Your name here), they're dead! Come quickly!" Run out before the professor can say anything. Keep running. Never come back. You're Forrest Gump now. You will still fail, but at least you will save face. They will never know you ran because you forgot your homework.
Q: What gives you the expertise to give advice?
A: We're almost finished with our BS degree. BS standing for Bachelor of Science, of course.
Q: My fish died. How do I honor his passing?
A: Why is this such a common question? Wear all black and gather at least five friends. Starting in your room, march slowly in procession while holding out the fish. Wail ominously. As you approach the bathroom, wail with greater volume and musical aptitude. (Use a minor key and preferably harmonize.) Once you are standing in front of the toilet, increase the wails to keens. Do not stop for breath. Continue screaming as you dump the fish in the toilet and flush it. Immediately stop screeching and segue into a quiet rendition of "Amazing Grace." We did this our freshman year and we've never seen eyes as wide with what must have been wonder and raw emotion as those of the girl who emerged from the shower just as we flushed the fish.
Q: Who sent in these questions? Are they even real?
A: Obviously, everything in the Survival Guide is of the utmost truth.
Q: Why don't I see the Survival Guide in the paper more often?
A: Because this knowledge is sacred, and you can't handle too much of it.
Q: Why is this even allowed in The Echo?
A: We're sorry you don't appreciate true, unbiased, matter-of-fact journalism.
Q: How do I submit a question or idea for the next Survival Guide?
A: We'd love to hear from you! Email firstname.lastname@example.org. We also accept messages via well-aimed tolf ball.