By Keith Cantrell | Echo
Are you graduating in May . . . alone? Is your heart crushed that you didn't find The One at college? Then this event sponsored by the UTAB (Unofficial Taylor Activities Board) is for you! The Senior Scramble is for second-semester seniors only. It will begin at 9 p.m. this weekend in the brown storage unit by Taylor Lake. Please be advised that no latecomers will be admitted!
While most Taylor students believe in the divine sovereignty of God, the general consensus across campus is that "God's will" in the area of marriage could use a little help. Fortunately, this event will present an ultimatum for God and force him to put two individuals together right now. Sadly, many students have wasted three and a half precious college years in the friend zone. Attending the free Senior Scramble event will save them hundreds-even thousands-of dollars in Christian Mingle fees after graduation.
"Honestly, I'm getting frantic," said one senior who plans to attend the Scramble. "If I don't find my soulmate in college, I know my chances of ever getting married to someone youthful and attractive are very low. This event is a godsend."
Organizers are trying to keep the event as simple and stress-free as possible. They request that men bring engagement rings and women bring wedding planners. Seniors might be wondering what to expect since an event like this has never been held before, but the progression that follows is straightforward.
Upon entry, all the students (hopefully an even number of them) must find their perfect match among the others in attendance. When a match is found, the man will propose, and the woman will write down a date for the wedding in her planner. Then, the new couple will be allowed to leave.
Please be advised that the stakes are high at the Senior Scramble! The rules of the event clearly state that no person will be allowed to exit the storage unit unless he or she is hand-in-hand with his or her future spouse. The creators of the event recommend committing as soon as possible to avoid being the last man or woman standing. Any and all individuals who do not find their spouse at the Senior Scramble will be required to stay in the storage unit for the remainder of their lives.
There is no escape.
There is more on the horizon for UTAB's Senior Scramble, which organizers hope will become a Taylor tradition on par with Airband. Preparations are already in effect for next year's event. The plans to build an additional storage unit by Taylor Lake are pending until it is revealed whether or not any leftover singletons from this year's Scramble will decide to call the current shed their new home.
Rest assured the evening will be the start of a long and happy marriage for all Taylor students.
Senior film major Keith Cantrell's love life remains a mystery, even to himself, but through charm and satire he addresses the horror of graduating single.
